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Sunday, August 31, 2014

The 2014 Darwin Awards

You Can't Make This Stuff Up!

The Darwin awards are given each year to bestow honor upon the remains or estate of (in most cases) that individual(s), who through  single-minded self-sacrifice, have done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. 
Just think... until these events occurred, these same people were walking the streets just like normal people - reproducing even!
 SIXTH  PLACE: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who  died when he hit a  lift tower at the Mammoth mountain ski area while  riding down the slope  on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was  pronounced dead at Central  Mammoth Hospital.The accident occurred about 3  a.m., the Mono County  Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends  apparently had hiked up  a ski run called Stump alley and removed some  yellow foam protectors  from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the  Mammoth Lakes Police  Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who  might hit towers.  The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski  slope and Hubal  crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and  determined the  tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
 FIFTH  PLACE: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently  being disorderly in a  St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call  the police, Puelo  grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked  out without  paying.  Police found him unconscious in front of the  store. Paramedics  removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had  choked him to  death.
 FOURTH  PLACE: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain,  who shot a stag  standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed  instantly when  it fell on him.
 THIRD  PLACE: "Man loses face at party"  A man at a  West Virginia party  (probably related to the winner last year, a man in  Arkansas who used  the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck)  popped a  blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion  that  blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of  Kincaid,  bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday  night,  said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had a blasting cap in an  aquarium  hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go  off and  this guy said," I'll show you how to set it off!" He put it into  his  mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and  tongue  off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday  with  extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at  Charleston  Area Medical Division "I just can't imagine anyone doing  something like  that," Payne said. (Note: Maybe that's why they call these  the Darwin  Awards)
 SECOND  PLACE: Doctors at Portland University Hospital  said an Oregon man shot  through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to  be alive and will be  released soon from the hospital.Tony Roberts, 25,  lost his right eye  last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting  club, Mountain  Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men  Anonymous) in  Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off  his head,  but the arrow entered Robert's right eye.  Doctors said  that had the  arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel  would have  been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon,  Doctor  Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in Portland said the  arrow  went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the  rear  of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood  vessels.  Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out  on his  own he surely would have killed himself.  Roberts admitted  afterwards  that he and his friend had been drinking that afternoon. Said  Roberts,  "I feel so dumb about this."
THIS  YEAR'S WINNER: John Pernicky and his friend, Sal  Hawkins, of the great  state of Washington, decided to attend a local  Metallica concert at the  George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets  (but having had 18  beers between them), they thought it would be easy to  "hop" over the  nine foot fence and sneak into the show.  They pulled  their pickup truck  over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky,  who was 100 pounds  heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then  assist his friend  over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there  was a 30-foot  drop on the other side of the fence.

Having  heaved himself over, he found himself crashing  through a tree. His fall  was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his  arm) by a large branch  that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the  tree with a broken  arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him.  Possibly figuring the  bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket  knife and proceeded  to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.

Finally  free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes.  The sharp leaves  scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection  of his shorts,  a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters  worse, upon  landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh.

Hawkins,  seeing his friend in considerable pain and  agony, threw him a rope and  tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope  to the pickup truck and  slowly driving away.  However, in his drunken  haste, he put the truck  into reverse and crashed through the fence,  landing on his friend and  killing him.

Police  arrived to find the crashed pickup with its  driver thrown 100 feet from  the truck and dead at the scene from massive  internal injuries upon  moving the truck, they found John deceased under it  half-naked,  scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in  his  thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen! You win. Five more idiots have been removed from the gene pool, and we are richer thanks to your supreme sacrifice.

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